I know you might never read this, but I created this blog for an outlet to release conversations and thoughts that drowns me to keep bottled inside of me.
I don’t understand why your solution to misunderstandings was always to take the route of enemies. It’s like you just couldn’t figure out how to navigate misunderstandings in a healthy way. Your instant reaction to any kind of sign of relationship misunderstanding was to immediately become prickly, defensive, or worse. You’ve lost me time and time again over ridiculous reasons that could have been prevented. I don’t know why you turned things into a crisis time and time again. What were you so afraid of that made you so harsh during misunderstandings? And why couldn’t you communicate and request your needs instead of being entitled? Why couldn’t you have said “hey, phone access in a relationship is necessary and if it’s not something our relationship has by a certain time, then I don’t think our relationship will go the distance” instead of recording me typing my password, stealing my phone and accessing it without my consent, and why couldn’t you have said “I’ve been feeling concerned about fidelity, may I have your permission to look into your phone right now?” instead of constantly continuously indulging in sifting through every nook and cranny in my phone when I wasn’t looking and then catching me off guard with confrontations / accusing me, why couldn’t you have said “there are certain bars / establishments that make feel uncomfortable to imagine you going to, would you consider keeping those adventures to a minimum and not visit those places without me with you?” or “I want you to have friendships because I know they provide happiness in your life and I want you to be happy, but would you consider agreeing to not going to bars / nightlife establishments without me? Imagining you in a nightlife scene with your friends without my presence gives me an unsettled feeling” instead of telling what to do, ordering me to do what you want as if I have no say, as if I have no autonomy, as if I don’t have the option to choose to agree to what you’re asking, as if you’re the authority and I’m the subservient instead of us being loving partners
If you spoke to me compassionately like that, and if you were able to honor discussions that needed to be divided into doses, like talking about it a little at a time then changing the topic and returning to the original topic after processing things, and always sticking to a cardinal rule of not escalating, not giving rapid ultimatums or threatening to throw away everything between us
I know I’m not perfect, but I’m not the storm starter, I’ve been weathering the storm
It makes me so sad that everything is ruined, no one supports us in each other’s lives, and we will continue to age, and I don’t feel okay dating anyone else because my heart is with you
I wonder if your jealousy or suspicion was a projection of your inclinations
How could you not feel how committed I was? How could you not see it in my eyes
I love you
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